I am not sure why but we have been hearing these myths since childhood. Learning about the male perspective on life and (cisgender, heterosexual) relationships for a while and talking with my partner and his friends about it, I have found a number of myths and misconceptions about men that we, women, have been taught. These are the stories about the way men operate many of us still need to let go of, if we want to build a stronger connection with the opposite gender. I present to you the three major myths I have recognized us women being misled with.
“Men are hunters and need to chase you”
Very wide spread myth that you need to constantly keep your man on his toes. Cannot be any further from the truth. At least if we talk about men who seek a long-term partner and are willing to commit. Men value in their woman stability, trustworthiness, devotion. When I was young I read in a female magazine that you need to make him feel like you have options, make him feel jealous from time to time, to spice up the relationship and maintain his interest. Very bad advice. What these feelings give to a man is stress. When a man chooses his woman, he doesn’t want her to be playing the field. That is what, among other most important things, makes him value her so much—having trust and confidence in her loyalty.
A contra argument to this would be: “but men love to chase, or else they lose interest.” Indeed, they do, when they are single. Single men are a whole different story. The women men are attracted to and the ones they would select as a partner are often completely different types. The chase may excite a single man but will turn off a man looking for a serious relationship.
The bottom line is—just be yourself, and give and show as much love as you can and want to. You can never go wrong with showing someone you love how much they mean to you and how much you value them over others. It can only go wrong with the “wrong” person, which automatically makes it right.
“A good man is not looking at other women”
Biologically speaking, cisgender men are wired to be sexually attracted to the opposite gender and multiple women at the same time. Nature has made it this way so that we keep procreating. Does this mean that monogamy is not possible? No.
We have evolved and keep evolving. We have the power to control the urges, control the interest, control our instincts. We are at a point where we can choose when to procreate, where and with whom. Men can and do it. What they might not be able to control fully is the looking part, but they can control the acting part. As I have got to understand it, it really is just an impulse. When a man sees an attractive woman or an attractive body type (or part), it just catches his interest. It doesn’t mean he is plotting anything, planning to leave his girl or go cheat. We can see it as a knee-jerk reaction.
I am, however, talking about men who are not slaves to their impulses, who love, respect and care about their woman. The trick is to recognize a man who is aware of his impulses, instincts, reactions, but also his values, priorities and consequences of his actions. And yes, such men exist.
“All men are the same”
Having had 2–3 bad relationships, most of us have ended up with this conclusion. Which can never be statistically correct, based on the sample of experiences we had in relation to the whole population. Yet this phrase is part of a huge propaganda, which I believe the aforementioned myths are also a part of. Agenda to bring us further away from each other and build a wall between us.
One important misunderstanding between men and women, is that we often expect from the opposite gender to feel the way we feel and want what we want. In our twenties, (many) women look for relationships, while (many) men look for experiences. This is when that myth of “all men are the same” begins to sound reasonable. But a mature men who is done with fun and games or not interested in them in the first place, will have serious intentions and expectations. That’s why you don’t need to keep him guessing, you need to give him assurance, just like what you expect to receive.
Of course, there are men who are never wanting a lasting love and will go to extreme lengths to obtain an “experience” from you. This is where the lies and not being their true selves take place. And it is indeed very hard for women to see through that behavior, as some men get pretty skilled at their misleading techniques.
The point I am making is that there are men who want commitment, honesty, deep connection. Some men are always this way, some arrive at this realization. Some men possibly never will. With time we learn to recognize these different types. We should never be afraid to show too much loyalty, too much love, too much trust. Don’t let the media make you believe otherwise. This world is designed to make us lock ourselves up in fear of being hurt. Stay open, stay real and the right people will recognize you as someone they want in their life. Don’t let this world harden you in fear. Allow your soft side to shine too and welcome the blessings you deserve.
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Photo: Andrea Piacquadio via Unsplash, Candice Picard via Unsplash