How Not To Settle In Relationships

August 5, 2021

It took me until age 32 to realize what I have been doing it all wrong, my whole dating life. Maybe this experience can be redeemed if I can help somebody realize it sooner. If I were to give my younger self one advice, that would be not to settle in relationships or dating, ever! I pronounce myself guilty of losing faith in an easy, honest, trusting, caring, peaceful, supportive, empowering, safe, and yet exciting love. It’s possible to never lose this hope, be patient and protect yourself from settling for anything less than the truly magical love story and connection you deserve. It is not a myth.

Are you cheating on your dreams?

We all have our own divine timing when we are meant to meet the love of our lives. As human beings, we are often impatient. We convince ourselves that we need what we think we need ASAP. With this mentality you are rushing into making choices that deep inside don’t feel right and you know it. Trying to protect yourself from missing out, you are actually cheating on more beautiful and amazing things ahead, which are right for you in every way. Do not cheat on your dream life.

It is true that some relationships just shape us, make us wiser and stronger. On the other hand, we often stay with the people that are wrong for us for too long. That costs us energy, time, heartache, mental and physical health. It creates traumas which we then carry into the situations that are good for us. Those of us who had painful or struggling relationships, imagine all that energy put into our dreams and passions… We all heard, “one day you will meet someone and you will understand why it didn’t work out with anybody else.” I can now confirm this.

Real love is easy, it unfolds effortlessly, it just feels right in every way. It is not drowning in doubt, insecurity, worry, and stress. What we do, especially in our younger years, is trying to find as much evidence as possible that what we feel is special. We confuse sexual attraction, habit, attachment, dependency, mutual benefit for love. And we put so much energy into trying to make something work when it was never meant to.

Know your worth

The biggest danger is not realizing your worth. People not realizing their worth are a magnet for people that want to take advantage of you. Believing that you deserve the exact perfect love you envision is the key! I was struggling with that, so I thought I had to settle because something is better than nothing. No, it is not and never will be! The problem is trying to fulfill our needs, silence our fears, and heal our insecurities with relationships. And this is not the way. If I were to go back to the very beginning of my dating life, I would have dedicated all that time to learning to love myself right, healing the hurt from the past, establishing healthy routines, following my passions, learning and doing what I love and what fulfills me. This is what invites true love into your life.

How do I know when it’s right?

We live, we learn. My time has come to realize that not all men are the same, which is such a sad lie women keep speaking into existence. There are wonderful people out there. Most importantly, there is someone who is wonderful for you. How to recognize it? In a relationship that is right for you you are able to communicate and resolve any issue because you can hear each other, you both care and make effort to understand. You are being your authentic self, you don’t feel the need to act, hide, pretend, or impress. Trust comes naturally, in spite of your past traumas, and you don’t have to force it.

You make time and are willing to do nice things for each other. I used to make excuses as to why this was not happening. There are no exceptions, that’s how real feelings work. This is how we, humans, function. If it feels good we want more of it. If we feel good with and about someone, we would go out of our way to spend time together and please them even with little things. So if you are currently making excuses for yourself as to why you are not spending much time together or are not willing to do things for each other, this is not “it.”

Reminder. Your partner doesn’t have to be perfect as no one is, but your connection can be. Nothing is ever just butterflies and rainbows, but it is about how strong your trust, compassion, and love for each other is to overcome your differences, pain, and learned behaviors and patterns that don’t serve you. It is about how you restore peace after the struggle, and your relationship then feeling even lighter than before. Because every struggle brings you closer, not further apart.

And hey, it is not about listing characteristics of the “right” kind of love. When it is right you will know, you will feel it and be confident about it.

Visualize your perfect love

No article of mine goes without a visualization technique. Visualization is the shortcut to your happiness. Visualize your perfect partner. How does it feel being with them or thinking about them? Imagine this feeling in every detail. What kind of things do you do together? How do you enjoy each other’s company and how does it feel precisely? Sense it, feel all these sensations, emotions, feelings. Visualize and it will materialize. Proven to work by yours faithfully. Do this the first thing in the morning when you wake up. Our brain is most manifestation-powerful in these moments.

You are guided

Your heart is guiding you toward what is right for you. Every love story I know happened when people followed some kind of voice telling them to do a certain thing. The universe will be conspiring to bring you together with your perfect partner. And it will be giving you hints and kicks in the butt, stirring you in the right direction. This is all effortless. If something tells you not to skip a night out with friends or go to the concert you are not sure about, listen. It is not rational, it is your heart telling you to follow it. For me this voice was so strong, I had no option but to listen. I cannot really explain it. I felt it in my chest: “Do it! I am not sure why but you have to!” You will recognize it. It’s a powerful vibration when the Universe is inviting you to fulfill your destiny.

Settling is postponing your dreams

I would not write this advice for every magazine. Some people are so far from discovering and understanding themselves or are not even interested in it. Maybe settling is a good option for many people. But if you have been seeking your true self, your true power, your purpose, your awareness, on this search you will also find your true love. I wish you that with all my heart!

And this is not just about relationships. Do not settle for a job that doesn’t feel right, for any decision that doesn’t feel right, that feels like you deserve much better, because you do! When we do not avoid ourselves, learn to live with love, be kind to ourselves and others, our most blissful timeline is available to us. Then our actions and choices either materialize that reality or move us away from it. Choose the best for yourself every single time. If something doesn’t feel like the best, walk away, wait, and trust. Our life can be as magical as we allow it to be.

Sending you lots of love!

More from Anna: How to let go of the past and forgive yourself, How to handle catcalling from a spiritual perspective

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Photos:  Henri Meilhac, Becca Tapert via Unsplash

Anna Chuzhmarova
Anna is a reiki healer, writer, voice actress, and community manager by day. She lives in Amsterdam, is a sunset, moon, water and life appreciator and enjoys time with her loved ones, sports, yoga, dancing and self-care. Starting her spiritual guidance practice, she is passionate about helping others discover the infinite power and love within them. Her Instagram account is @bybeinglove.

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