There have been a few times in my life that I felt I was cracking through a shell.
Now is one of them.
Through my articles with Peaceful Dumpling, I’ve chronicled my decision to take a break from work in order to pursue some long-desired reflection and mental-stretching.
Along this journey, I’ve encountered some old, forgotten parts of me.
When I say “old,” I don’t mean an 80-year-old “me.” I mean me at 12, and at 15, 16, 18, and 20.
I mean the “me” that was convinced my body was weak and unpredictable, that relationships were unsafe, and that my desires were far-fetched and beyond my unworthy reach.
Encountering these old parts of me was jarring, but, ultimately, I knew it was good. I knew I now had the opportunity to stare them in the eyes and walk them to more loving ground.
“My body is weak” culminated in a night of severe body pain and related anxiety. It lifted (very quickly) when my loving partner told me, “I trust your body.”
“Wow,” I thought. That was it. I wasn’t trusting my body. That’s what was bringing up so much anxiety. Immediately, I started repeating, “I trust my body” over and over and over, until the anxiety lifted. After some time, the pain was gone, as well.
In a matter of hours, I’d gone from thinking I might need to go to the hospital to a feeling of peace and calm.
“Relationships are unsafe” faced the light of another love in my life, DF. After a particularly anxious night due to trust issues, I opened up to DF. She lovingly prodded, asking poignant questions in a state of non-judgment. I cried as I realized that I didn’t feel emotionally safe around most people, not because of them, but because of this old part of me. As I cried, she hugged me and let me feel what I needed to feel, and I started the journey back to feeling strong and safe around others, again.
That was 2 weeks ago. I’ve made a big journey since then. I feel strong, again. I’ve opened up, again. I know where I want to be. I have a conscious journey ahead to continue to switch to a new belief – “I trust the relationships in my life.”
The last one, a feeling of unworthiness concerning my desires, is the latest chapter in this journey. I can feel it peel away when it does.
I can feel my shell cracking.
From within, a stronger, wiser, clearer, happier “me” is appearing. I can feel her. I can feel the more body-confident me. That “me” had tons of fun shopping for sexy bras today. I can feel the more trusting-in-relationships me. That “me” has been having a blast the last two weeks with old friends and new. I can feel the “me” that knows I can have or create whatever I want. She rocks. She’s been giving me glimpses of a future I actually want to step in to, shooing away everything else.
My shell is cracking, and I am happy. Because when a shell cracks, the inside can now become free.
Meditation on a seed
In honor of shells cracking, I offer this reflective visualization:
Imagine a seed. A beautiful, small seed buried underground, in fertile soil. Notice the shape and color of the seed, as it sits snuggly wrapped by the warm, loving dirt. Take a moment to imagine the warmth and comfort the seed sits in.
Now notice a slight shudder in the seed as a small crack appears in its face. It continues to sit in the loving warmth of the soil. The seed continues its motion as the cracking continues, more and more.
The seed moves the dirt, as it continues to crack more and more. Suddenly, it stops. The cracking has paved an opening for a tiny, beautiful, bright green sprout to appear. The green is so bright! The sprout is so full of energy and fresh excitement.
It grows and grows, pushing through the warm dirt, traveling upwards until it reaches air and breaths in new warmth, unlike ever before.
Peaceful Dumplings, are you going through cracking, too?
What awaits you on the other side of that cracking?
Also by Amparo: How to Overcome a Quarter Life Crisis
Photo credit: Send me adrift via Flickr