I don’t know about you but I learned so much about myself during the pandemic. Things that really made me go, “now that makes sense!” All this extra time has been great for inward reflection towards what may and may not be working in my life. I used to think I just didn’t have enough time in the day to spend on wondering what it is I really wanted. Instead, just trying to maintain a certain level of sanity in my day, without rocking the boat.
However, this extra alone time has brought up a lot of questions that are extremely overdue for answers. For instance, as someone coming out of a relationship that didn’t work as I hoped, it has caused me to wonder why I am constantly getting myself into the same kind of situations repetitively. I’ve always heard, “women become their mothers and end up marrying their fathers” (figuratively, of course).
But what’s the deal with that? It seems us women are constantly attracting men that carry the same kind of characteristics that are opposite to what we want. We blame them for mistreating us, however, it’s important to keep in mind—they’re not always the bad guys.
I’ve come to believe it’s all about the vibe that we’re putting out, behaviors that we’re allowing to continue and truths about ourselves that we’re ignoring in order to feel secure. Psychology Today outlines several reasons why we hold onto partners that we know aren’t right for us, but what I’ve found they all have in common is fear.
My time during the pandemic has taught me that I’m afraid of being alone, and that because of my upbringing, past relationships, etc., this fear of being alone is making me stay longer in toxic situations than I know I should. According to Huffington Post, 1 in 3 adults fear being alone, and because of this are more likely to stay attached to toxic situations and people.
So, the quicker we realize why it is we are staying in toxic relationships, the easier it will be to let go of them.
We are that which we seek. And what we allow to be, will continue. That means if we are insecure, then of course we’re going to attract others who are as well. If we allow ourselves to be treated in a sub-par manner, then that behavior will of course continue. It’s not completely our fault and it’s not completely our partner’s fault, but regardless of who’s fault it is, I know so many who are trapped on a merry-go-round of toxicity that they cant seem to get the courage to jump off of.
So how can we take that super scary, yet so necessary leap?
- BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF: Identify what you want and what you don’t
- No one knows you, like you know you. Listen to your body, it’s smarter than you know, and will often tell you when something feels wrong. Check out this post about the science behind listening your intuition.
- There is nothing wrong with overlooking flaws in a partner. We all have them, and there are bound to be things about someone you are getting to know that drive you crazy. The part where this becomes unhealthy is when you begin to push aside the things that actually matter to you in order to maintain a relationship with this person.
- Make sure you know what it is you want and do not settle for less. You know what you need, and you deserve to get it. Do not stuff that little voice in your head down, give it a microphone.
2. FEEL GOOD: Align yourself with what you do want
- Feeling aligned with what you want i.e. a committed relationship will help you to seek out people who are looking for the same thing and eliminate those from your life who are not. Imagine how that relationship would make you feel. Secure. Happy. Confident. Getting a glimpse of what that could feel like will give you a push to fight for it, or to exit something that is not giving it to you.
- High-vibe blogger Kelsea Aida suggests this easy two step process to help you get into alignment with what you really want.
3. TAKE ACTION: You get what you allow to continue
- Realize that not making a decision is making a decision. The longer you stay in limbo, the more pain you will not only cause yourself, but possibly your partner too. Trust me, I’ve been there. If I would have been honest with myself a lot sooner, I could have saved myself and my ex a lot of pain and stress.
- Gather up your courage and make one small step towards change. It can be as simple as talking to your partner/friend/relative, or doing something for you that makes you feel good about yourself.
- Simply making a decision and acting on it is very powerful. It can give you momentum in other areas in your life as well.
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