In my work as a relationship coach, I have met more beautiful, strong, smart, hilarious women than I can count who are perennially single, and who not only profess that they have trouble finding love, but that its been their experience for as long as they can remember.
Lisa was a 31-year-old client of mine – gorgeous, well traveled, multi-lingual, and wealthy – who was carrying a true belief within herself that she wasn’t attractive enough to meet an eligible man, despite her amazing qualities and interests. Heather couldn’t stop falling for unavailable guys, and would get deeply discouraged by the cycle of constant game-playing. Maria was “dying to get married and have babies,” and every old friend on Facebook who reached this milestone before she did devastated her. They were all lovely, intelligent, eligible women who were totally stumped when it came to love and dating. They had read every book and magazine column on the subject, but found themselves consistently coming up short of their desired matches and couldn’t figure out why. They all came to me feeling, in their words, “very desperate and lost.”
All of them are now either in relationships, or happily single, having had their perspective totally shifted regarding how they view love and attracting in into their lives.
Forget Cosmo – these are the only golden “rules” you will ever need about finding your perfect love match.
How are you at your most comfortable? Your most grounded and easy? That’s the real you, and honey, you are gorgeous. Real is incredibly alluring. So many of us believe that we need to put on a “best self” for our romantic interests. When we try to compartmentalize who we are around a new prospect, all we do is send the message (to others and ourselves) that who we are at our core is not enough. Our vibe attracts our tribe. Gently release control, and try to let go and focus on relaxing enough to exude your easy, real self. If you’re not a high heel and blow-out kind of gal, wear what makes you feel comfortable and confident. If you’d rather watch Bravo than do the Sunday Times crossword puzzle, that’s okay! You’re still smart, intelligent, and interesting. When we honor who we are, we wind up attracting a match that honors those same qualities.
Release the idea that you need to be “ready.”
We are ready for love at any moment. Any issues, or stuff we feel we need to work on is just a part of being alive; love and romance can, and should, exist alongside that work. Every single one of us on this planet has baggage to unpack regarding relationships. First, make peace with the fact that you are not the only one with baggage, and that it will never keep you from love unless you allow it to. You are ready right this second, and perfect as you are.
Put the games on the shelf where they belong.
Unless you want someone who is a player, you gotta chuck the games. Game playing can be hot when it’s between two consenting adults who are capable of communicating on a level of openness. But then it’s not really a game; it’s playful flirtation. Behind “playing games” is usually a level of fear; fear of being seen or fear of intimacy. Games keep us guessing and give us a false sense of control over how we are perceived or seen. Acknowledge that fear, bless it, proceed through it, and you will attract someone who is brave enough to see you and be seen by you.
Make space for love.
Do you truly have room in your life for a mate? Are you harboring feelings for an unavailable person, or perhaps still heartbroken over an ex? Do your work, clear your mind, and get juicy with the idea of not filing your emotional head space with guy or girl drama. It can feel so uncomfortable at first to have all that room, but making space for someone new really comes down to owning the belief that the Universe has our back, and that we are worthy of love. Open your heart, dig deep, and do an emotional detox of all your old patterning. When you clear the space, it can be filled by a new someone who is wonderful and drama free.
Get grateful (and have fun!)
What does this have to do with finding our true loves? Everything. If we are feeling grateful for what we DO have, we will attract more blessings. If we are having fun now (taking that new yoga class, going to a museum, even taking a big trip by ourselves), we can be sure to attract someone who is capable of having fun, too! Having fun and allowing ourselves to enjoy our lives lights us up with a spark and a glow that you cannot buy. It is immensely attractive.
It’s a cliché for a great reason: we are our first loves. Loving ourselves doesn’t mean dancing around, shouting it from the rooftops (although that may sometimes occur!). It means valuing ourselves, caring for ourselves like we are our own mother. It means not wasting our precious time on this Earth with lovers and partners who treat us poorly, or are ambivalent about us. It means taking ourselves out to gorgeous dinners, treating ourselves like gods or goddesses just because we are wonderful, and a partner (even a wonderful one) does not give us any further embellishment, because we are fantastic already. If we love ourselves, treat ourselves with respect, and show ourselves kindness, patience, and consideration, we will receive that tenfold in the mate we attract.
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Photo: Donato Pirolo